Shifting Focus

Somehow the focus of my riding became only about what you see right in the middle of this picture.

I realized it last week while out riding. I wasn't really enjoying myself. I was simply out there getting my numbers, getting my miles, getting it over with so I could continue with my life of being busy. It's all about the GSD (getting shit done).

I am retired, for fuck's sake. Why is it like this?

Change can happen slowly and imperceptibly. Over time feeling like you have to rush through the extracurriculars (the fun stuff) to do the real things that supposedly matter (GSD) becomes the norm.

It didn't start like that. When I retired in July of 2021, I was very relaxed. Of course, this is very understandable. Suddenly I had an extra 40 hours a week to play with, and I was leaving an IT job (web server support) that simply wasn't a good fit. The isolation of Covid-era remote work only added to the misery, and I was so happy to leave all that in the rearview mirror.

The first year was mostly great. My son had just graduated from high school, and he played in a collegiate wood bat baseball league that summer. Often these games were during the day, and I was able to go with him due to my shiny new unemployment status. I gave very little thought to GSD.

In August we went to Catalina Island with family and friends, and it was wonderful (even though I caught Covid towards the end). The following January we went to Maui with the same core group and it was awesome.

Unfortunately in the middle of that "mostly great" year we lost my mother-in-law, Gina.

Losing a family member is terrible. I know. Losing that family member to dementia is in many ways much worse. It's a slow decline, one that cannot be managed by mere mortals at the end. A memory care facility is where Gina ultimately passed.

There are no real goodbyes. My own mother had all her faculties at the end of her battle with cancer, and there is some comfort in remembering those last exchanges with her. This is not the case with dementia. Depending on the day I see this as both a good or bad thing: My mom knew she was going to die; Gina was blissfully unaware.

Losing Gina kicked off a series of real estate transactions (seven?) that lasted for years. Two of these were court-mandated estate sales while the rest were our choice. Each of these entailed a lot of work, time, money and stress. And somewhere along the line my lifelong love of riding became just another task to get done. The rides became part of GSD.

Even though we are experiencing a bit of downtime right now, I still have a very difficult time relaxing when I ride. There is never not something waiting for any cyclist after he or she rides, be it cleaning the house, running errands, laundry, cooking, kids, home improvement, yard chores, etc. I assume there are people out there who can compartmentalize these things and enjoy themselves when they ride. Most of the time I cannot. I typically spend the entire ride thinking about all the tasks waiting for me when I get home.

In the end I think I have to get out of this funk in much the same way I got into it—slowly and methodically. I have to relearn how to enjoy myself.

A few days ago I went for a ride. I took the Jones so I would be riding upright. I went slow. I looked around. I said hello to just about every single person I saw, even the annoying ones. I smiled. Most of the time they smiled back. I rode 36 miles and the entire time I forced myself to think of anything but GSD. I thought about all the animals I saw, my childhood, old bike races, our next vacation. When anything negative tried to creep in, I willfully steered back to good things. I often went back to the very beginning, when life was simple and riding a bike was pure joy:

This kid isn't thinking about a kitchen remodel.

When I arrived home Jennifer asked how my ride was, as she typically does. Normally I say fine or OK, but this time I said "great" and I meant it. I felt good. I felt lighter.

Perhaps mental fitness takes just as much work as physical fitness. Maybe more. Enjoying that ride took a lot of conscious effort on my part. It may take a while to relearn how to love riding.

The work side of life will never end. There will always be tasks I don't want to do. If I can simply learn how to forget about them, even for a couple hours when I ride, I'll be in a much better place.

Later.